Aint Your

   When I First Laid Eyes on You

Oct 14th

Love and Hate Are so Close
When I first laid eyes on you, I was filled with nervous energy, my breaths were long, my heart raced. I was blown away with your raw sexuality, your attractiveness and your impossible proportions. Your hair so long and dark, your teeth perfect, your face beautiful and slightly exotic with the best traits from each ancestral race, I couldnít stop my stares. The high was pure adrenaline mixed with whatever other chemicals cause a man to lock onto a woman and not let go. You donít remember first talking to me, but I remember every interaction. I had to try to be cool and not hyperventilate or sweat.

We met at a time in my life, when I was still trying to heal from loss. Even though it had been a couple years in the past, I was still in pain from losing my first love, for the third time. But, I was so overcome with the rush of endorphins when I was close to you. I thought if I could ever be with you, my heartache would be over. You could make me forget any woman from the past, no matter how entrenched she was in my psyche. It was only a fantasy on my part because you were so untouchable to an average Joe like me. You were a fantasy of every guy you met. You were that perfect Playmate, a petite package of exploding sexuality. Only, you were real. Of course, every woman hated you for winning the genetic lottery.
By some miracle, a coworker convinced you to go out with me. And we started to date, casual at first, but for some reason you took a liking to me. Of course, you did a few more rolls in the sack with another man before you committed to dating only me. Add that to the list of things I had to get over in order to be at peace with our relationship. Another was your constant need for male attention. It was so counter-intuitive that a woman with your sexual power over men could require so much reassurance. But, hey, I was the guy that every man wanted to be.

Dating you was never easy or boring. You came to expect that guys would put up with your drama and selfish style of communication. Then, there were all the insecurities, which seemed cute at first. After all, I was the man in your life. I bought on to the narrative, that all men in your past had done you wrong. Those times I used to hold you in bed and you would tremble as you fell into deep sleep were not a problem for me. I was your man now and I could help you work through them with my gentle touch and kind words. We had intimacy, trust and passion. I was committed to you, my perfect package of sexual desire. You were the perfect size, your smells soothed me, and your hips were made for my hand to rest. Your breasts were the largest Iíve seen on any woman of any size and your nipples were huge and perfect. There is no woman on the planet with body that is nicer to hold, caress, and rub against, than yours. The thought of lying with you still arouses me to this day, even after all that was to come between us.

You got pregnant after only about six months of dating. I believe we were actually fighting that night and came together passionately. I remember it as one of our great love making sessions, it felt so good to be with you after our fight, to both dominate you, yet be connected intimately. It wasnít long after this night that things started to change. You found out you were pregnant on the night before we left for our flight to Virgin Islands in my plane. I had been planning this trip for years and wanted to take the perfect companion along. My good friend and his wife were already in Florida and we were to fly down and meet them in the morning. So we started off on the trip, even though you were already starting to get nauseous. You were sick and miserable the whole time, but other than that, we successfully completed the long open-water crossing and back again.

The next nine months were hell for you, dealing with your hyperemesis pregnancy, missing months of work, and laid out in bed. We went from spontaneous fun, with intimate embraces and sweaty nights, to nausea, subcutaneous drug drips of many kinds, anti-nausea research, pill crushing, and misery. It was you who bared all the physical and emotional strain of your medical condition and the solitude of a lonely apartment. Most of the time I was putting in my twelve hour days at work, because this job could end at any time, and then what was I going to do for work? I made good money, but my financially productive skills were narrowly set. So, after twelve hours of doing calculations, I would come to your apartment and try to make you feel better, either through mixing vitamins or rubbing on you.

I had resigned myself to never having children after several decades of failed searches for the perfect mate. When you got pregnant, it was crazy and scary but I was so happy. Even though our relationship was not tested and we still had lots of learning to do about each other, I felt we could turn this into a perfect situation. And to top it off, we were going to bring a little boy into this world. I was going to have my own son. I was on top of the world. I was making great money and was with a gorgeous woman that I was crazy about. But I was scared. You were no longer the fun companion I once had, but a sick, demanding, pregnant woman that was acting crazy and attacking everyone for the slightest perceived misstep. Those cute insecurities you shared with me in bed now turned into aggressive attacks against your mother and me. We no longer had a carefree thing that we both enjoyed, but a serious commitment, with all the stresses of uncertain fetus health from having a child later in life. I was crazy about you and was falling in love, and wanted a happy family with you, your seven-year-old daughter and our baby. But, I had to get my head around some things. I had to let go of that original fantasy I had with my first love that ended years before meeting you. Since we couldnít move because of your ex-husband and daughter, I had to give up my fantasy of living on the water in Florida. My skills to make money were so narrow, I needed to figure out what I would do for work when my job ended. Things had happened so fast, I was still trying to cope. The baby was on the way. We needed a house to live and you needed a new car. You wanted to get engaged immediately and I was still trying to adjust while dealing with these pressures and working twelve-hour days, six days a week. I knew that if our relationship didnít work out I would lose everything that I work so hard to save. And, you were not a fun or nice person to be around. I wanted you to be happy again. I wanted everything to be perfect.

The house hunt was difficult, but we finally found one we both agreed met our needs. I had to get an unconventional loan to purchase it because my income came through a newly established business.

Our baby was born beautiful and perfect. And, although hospitals scared the crap out of me from having surgeries as a young boy and teenager, the childbirth experience was amazing to watch. I had absolutely no idea what would happen or what to expect. I wasnít even sure Iíd be able to stand upright after seeing all the blood and goo. It was a day with surreal moments I will never forget. The images of our son coming out and looking around the room, and bonding with you seemed like yesterday.

After only one month in our new house, I lost my job. I didnít have any income and I was really stressed about getting married since things already started to take the turn for the worst in our relationship. I was so hoping it would work out. If only we could get that tenderness and connection back, but every day seemed to bring us farther apart.

I knew you had been engaged several times before and received many engagement rings. Even though I wasnít ready to get married yet, I wanted things with us to improve. I wanted you to be happy again. You told me before you got pregnant not to ever buy you any diamond ring less than two carats. So, I knew anything less would be a letdown. I searched and searched, until I found one that I thought was perfect. It was even appraised on the day our son was born. I wanted things back to the way they were before you got pregnant so that I could propose naturally, but you insisted we get engaged or you were leaving, even though I wasnít feeling things were right. I thought if you had this beautiful ring on your finger, maybe then you would be happy, and be a loving partner again. We went to dinner at a nice steakhouse and I had the ring in my pocket. But, I chickened out. It just didnít seem right. Then, I needed to get picked up from a small airport after dropping my plane off for inspection. So, I used this time to present you with the ring. I was so hoping our engagement would make you happy and bring back our connection. But, any reservation I expressed about marriage was just taken as a personal attack by you. You were talking about getting married the weekend after I proposed, and I just wanted to slow down and be partners again, to trust one another, to get our romance back. Then, things just got worse.

I bought a perfect house for us, you a brand new car that you wanted, the perfect diamond ring, our children were healthy and I just wanted to get our relationship back in order. But all you could think about is marriage, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. That wasnít your concern. Mind you, I was going through my life savings like crazy. I was trying to start a manufacturing business from scratch with no experience in either manufacturing or business. I had no income, a new baby, a new step-daughter, a new step-daughterís daddy to deal with. I just wanted things to return to a loving, trusting relationship before we got married. And all the support I ever got from you was nasty text messages every day describing how horrible I was. You dragged me to a therapist, but you never really listened to a word the woman said. I had invested my life savings in a town I couldnít make a living in and a relationship that I just wanted to be sweet again. Every day was more complaining about how horrible I was and how I didnít love you. I needed help and reassurance that you were with me, not constant threats that you were going to leave if I didnít love you more and get married immediately.

I struggled every day, doing all the tasks needed to run a business and make products. I wore so many hats, but no help came from you what-so-ever. Zero. Even with your sale experience, you did nothing to help me, while I was struggling.

I put up with people making up stories and telling you I was with other girls. I put up with losing my job by some envious assholes. I put up with you needing constant attention from men at work, and the constant attempts to undermine our relationship. I put up with your daughter also constantly trying to sabotage our relationship. I put up with constant attacks from you and the disregard for the work that went into making the money I spent on lawyers, and the therapist and the expensive purses and the rings and all the other crap you wanted while I was unemployed.

You had already bought another house and then you gave me an ultimatum that you would leave unless I told you that I loved you. You left. Then the expenses grew more. I got to take care of my house and all of our sonís daycare, and send you money every month, because you couldnít afford your own expenses, even though I hadnít made any money over two years.

Oh yes, while still working on our relationship, even despite all of this, I could tell you were fooling around. And, after promising to spend your birthday with the kids, and I was secretly hoping with me too, you canceled that plan to get drunk, make out with some guy in a bar and spend the night with him. After I confronted you, you enjoyed telling me about it. You even laughed in my face over the whole thing.

But, did I give up there? No. I was still hoping somehow, things would get back to our sweet, trusting relationship. But, anytime we got back together, it was more of the same - you threatening to leave if we didnít get married immediately.

By the way, it was great fun dealing with the county calling me and threatening to take what little money I had left after you wanted more child support. Yeah, that was fun too. Thank you for having them harass me.

After all of this conflict, I still had some hope I would be able to make a living in this town, stay here and raise our child together in a loving relationship. Iíve tried to suppress my anger and forget the past, and be loving toward you, and give you kisses and affection. But, it was never reciprocated. All I got was more ultimatums and zero affection. The other night I woke up next to you, while you were dreaming and calling me a ďpiece of shitĒ and saying ďyou donít love me.Ē So, those truths are hard to hide.

I was not perfect in this relationship, I will admit that. I made mistakes. I let all the things I described here frustrate me and make me angry. Iíve called you names Iíve never called anyone, repeatedly. Iíve even wish you dead on multiple occasions. Like you, I took a chance, and every possible thing that could go wrong, did. I got upset over things that were probably not real, at least not at that moment. I was hurt, and I reacted. The worst of me was brought out on occasion. And for all the times I mistakenly accused you of things and called you foul names, I am sorry.

Like your ex-husband lamented, at least we got a beautiful child out of it. Unfortunately, it looks like you and my replacement will be raising him, since my business failed and I am getting to the end of my life savings. I will go back on the road soon and try to find work. You know I love my son very much and want the best for him, even if I canít be with him. It goes without saying that you better give him a good environment or I will take him with me to wherever I end up.

I was thinking back in time and trying to remember one time when you kissed me or put your hand on my neck or rubbed my shoulders. I couldnít think of one time in four years. It is not natural for you to connect with someone. I do, however, remember you complaining when I didnít kiss you when you wanted. And, I rubbed on you constantly.

I will wrap up my historic view of our relationship with these words of advice for you and my replacement. The quickest way to kill romance is to complain to your partner he doesnít love you enough. And, if you want someone to be close to you, try real hard to see where they are coming from and understand their fears and needs. Listen, listen, listen, stop talking and listen.